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Tuesday, December 5, 2023

Blaseball returns for a new season of absurdist internet sports next month

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It’s been some time since we last heard from Blaseball, the internet’s favourite baseball simulation turned peanut religion. After going into hiatus at the end of October, The Game Band are ready to ring in Season 12 of Internet League Blaseball on March 1st.

Or, at least, there’s a “99.9% chance” it’s coming back in March. Honestly, who knows what eldritch nightmare may end up postponing next month’s season.

Titled “Beta, But Better”, developer That Game Band has saved me the trouble of trying to tell you what the hell Blaseball is by providing their own explanation, which describes the fantasy baseball league as “the D&D of sports”. 

“The DM is your older brother, and you are the chaotic sibling with a thirst for power. The game will follow what you and the fanbase votes, including bending the rules to the point where new rules are made on the fly. Blaseball simulates seasons at an accelerated pace: with a game every hour, and a season every week. Players bet coins on every game, hoping to enrich themselves enough to sway the votes for the post-season election that happens the following Sunday.”

The votes, of course, are where things get buck-wild. Fans can vote on everything from trading players at random and providing stat boosts to eliminating teams outright or opening “The Forbidden Book”. Players have been set on fire, brought back from the dead, and “shelled” by malevolent peanut entities. Season 9 ended with a boss fight involving the Charleston Shoe Thieves and the aforementioned nut god.

Season 12 adds several new elements to the table. You’ll soon be able to buy snacks, and track events via a new Feed. A new structure will see 3-week seasons supplemented by a 2-week off-season. Finally, and most importantly, The Baltimore Crabs (claws up!) are getting their own “crabitat”. Whatever that is.

It’ll also pay to see how much enthusiasm Blaseball can muster. The first arc of the game was as much the community’s creation as the developer’s, fans coming together to bring character, drama, and stories to the game’s absurdly-named players. Do people still care for Jessica Telephone and Jaylen Hotdogfingers after all this time? We’ll find out when Season 12 takes the field next month.

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